Thanks for the mammaries

I always hated that part of the online dating profile that asks you to specify your best feature.
I usually would say it is my eyes.
But really, I think it is my boobs.
I love my boobs. They are great.
But I refrained from putting that in my online profile because I thought it would make me sound slutty and draw too much attention to the girls.
Trust me, they get enough attention as it is.
But boobs are great. And so are some of the words people use instead of "boobs."

A few of my favorites in no particular order:

Rack
Knockers (said with a German accent - even better!)
Buoys
Thelma and Louise
The shelf

Are they my favorite body part (on my own body anyway)? Hmm... Maybe.
I mean, they have served me well in the past.
I get great service at auto parts and hardware stores.

But they can be cumbersome.
There is that whole button-down shirt issue. I can't wear them. They gap in all the wrong places.
It is hard to find cute bras.
I can't sleep on my stomach.

But really, in the end, the pros outweigh the cons.

Boobs are great. Manboobs on the other hand... not so much.

Like manna from heaven

I generally try to avoid fast food. I try to live by the motto of "nothing with a drive-thru."
But today I was across town running errands before work and I was famished.
I found myself at the drive-thru window of a Burger King.
Two words: cheesy tots.
These are little nuggets of diced potato and processed cheese stuff that are breaded and fried.
They are quite disgusting.
I love them.
It's probably a good thing the closest BK is miles from my house.

Turns out I am a nice person with a bad case of PMS

So I was driving the rental car, which is a boat by the way, in the parking lot of my local Home Depot yesterday.
It was warm, I was cranky and my weekend up to that point had not be very relaxing.
The place was nuts for a Monday afternoon and I knew parking would be a bitch.
But just as I was about to give up (I was only going to look at tile samples anyway), I saw a guy getting into his car.
I was in an east-west aisle and he was just two spaces into a north-south aisle.
I waited for him to put his bags in the trunk, get into his car, brush his hair and then back out of the space.
Right about when he started to back out I see this big SUV start to pull up the aisle behind him.
Luckily the way he backed out gave me the chance to slide into the spot before the chick in the SUV could pull into it.
So I did.
Then I got out of the car, locked the doors and started walking toward the store.
Of course, this woman who was probably about my age or a few years older decided she had to roll down the window and make a comment as I walked by. The exchange went something like this:

SUV: Well, that was rude!

ME: Sorry, but I guess you didn't see me waiting for the spot while the guy put his stuff away and then took the time to brush his hair.

SUV: Just rude!

ME: I am sorry, but you need to lay off.

SUV: I will not lay off. You are rude. You need to learn some manners.

ME: Fuck off! It's just a parking space.

SUV: Nice mouth!

ME: Fuck you. If you don't fucking like the way I talk to you, then leave me the fuck alone you fucking cunt.

SUV: Oh!

I then walked away only to notice that there were about 6 construction type guys taking in the whole thing, mouths agape.

Now "cunt" is not a word I like to use. In fact, I probably have used it only a couple times ever in my life, even in a joking way.

But yesterday it just flew out of my mouth like it was nothing.

Was I a little embarrassed? Maybe.

Did I feel bad about it later? Hell no.

Would I say the same thing again? Most likely.

Online dating for dummies

So this was on Yahoo! today.

I was reading it and trying to compare his tips to how I went about my own online dating. I will give my response in italics after each of his tips.

By David Wygant

Special to Yahoo! Personals

Recently I was coaching a woman on how to write her profile for Yahoo! Personals. Before we wrote the profile, I asked her to send me her four best pictures.
I asked her to do this because men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids. The first thing they do when they see your profile online is NOT read about your trip to Italy last summer. They want to see how hot you are. Keep in mind that every man has different taste in women. What I find attractive, my friend may not find attractive at all.
So I explained this to my client, and I asked her to send me her four best photos -- pictures that represent who she is in her life. What she sent me is mistake #1 of the biggest mistakes women make online.
Here are the 14 biggest online dating mistakes women make:

1. Stop posting four different photos from four different stages in your life. This leaves a man wondering, "Who is this person?" I've looked through thousands of online profiles, and the majority of women will put up pictures from different stages of their life but not put up current pictures. All photos that you post on an online dating profile MUST BE CURRENT!!! He's going to find out what you look like when you meet, and there is no reason to lie about your looks.

I agree with this completely. I hated seeing pictures of guys that were so clearly taken in 1989. All photos I posted had been taken with three months of when I posted the ad. I had three photos. One was a head shot, the others were torso and up. Hey, gotta play up the boobs.

2. Don't list your dislikes about Internet dating in bold, capital letters at the beginning of your profile. We've all had negative experiences online. Emphasize your positive points, not your negative ones.

Seriously. Who wants to respond to someone who is a downer. I tried to keep my profile light and conversational. A friend told me it was written in a tone that was exactly the tone I use when I talk. I took that as a compliment.

3. List your exact body type. It seems like on the Internet EVERYBODY is "athletic and toned," "petite" or "fit and trim."
He will find out what you look like! You might as well tell the truth in your profile, so you'll have a qualified lead and not waste somebody's time.

If you have current photos, he will see your exact body type. I listed mine as curvy, needs to lose a few pounds. Which is how I see myself. Others may see me differently.

4. List your real age. In the world of Internet dating, it seems like there's an abundance of 29- and 39-year-old women. "29" usually means somewhere in your 30's. And a woman who is "39" is usually in her 40's. Why start a potential relationship on a lie? Men are guilty of the same thing, and I advise them the same way.

It never even occurred to me to lie about this. But with so many guys in their 40s seeking women in their 20s, I can see why some people might be tempted to lie. Me, I wasn't interested in meeting 45-year-old men who wanted to date a 23-year-old woman. I was that woman once. I was ready to date my own age.

5. I'm really glad you had a great time on your vacation, but you don't need to post 10 photos of your trip to Italy WITHOUT you in them. This is a dating site, not a trip advisor. Also, stop posting pictures of you skydiving, winter skiing, waterskiing, or doing anything else where we can't see what you look like in the picture.

I don't know. I didn't go overboard with photos. But if you say you like scuba diving, why not back that up with a photo? Just don't make it the main photo on your profile. Put those at the end and if the guy wants to know more, he will look at those.

6. Keep your profile short and to the point. Make your paragraphs very short. I've seen too many women's profiles that look like romance novels. Take a look at Yahoo! Sports and read an article in the sports section.
All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts.

Right. Because guys have the attention span of a cat. Keep it quippy and witty and smart.

7. Don't be so self-absorbed. I've seen many women's profiles that say, "I want a man to be this," "I want a man to do that," "I want a man to cherish me," "I want a man to adore me"... You list all your "I wants" without listing what YOU will bring to the relationship. So you end up looking like you're a taker and not a giver. No man wants to be with a taker; he wants to be with someone who's equally willing to give and to receive.

Yes! Aside from making you seem needy and demanding, if you have a list of things you want and a guy read that, he might think "Oh. She seems great. But she only wants to date a guy who is at least 6' tall. Too bad I am 5'11. Next." And you could be missing out on a great guy.

8. Don't list your financial desires like you're posting a want ad. I've seen too many women write, "I'm looking for a man who will spoil me, buy me great things, and take me on great trips." You come across as a gold digger. Instead say, "I like the finer things in life to share with somebody," so you don't come across so harsh.

Why even bring this up at all? I mean, I did mention that I have a great job, but I never mentioned money or that I have a house. This bugs me like it bugs me when people ask what kind of car you drive before they even ask you if you have any siblings.

9. No baby talk! Even if the number one priority in your life is to be a mother, nothing scares a man off more than if you write in your profile about how badly you want kids. He may feel the same way, but he is going to think, "This woman will marry anybody to have kids." Write something a little more toned down like, "Families are important to me, and I can't wait to meet my special man so I can start a family." This shows you're selective and not just looking for someone with whom to make a kid.

I didn't put anything in my description about wanting kids even though I do. I just checked the box that indicated I wanted them. I guess I took it on faith that guys would actually look at all those things.

10. Stop listing all your rules. Don't write things like "A perfect first date MUST be dinner" or "The man I date HAS to wear suits." Women tend to list rules in their profiles. Be open to a different kind of first date, or the kind of guy who wears jeans to work.

This goes back to the list of demands for me.

11. Stop sending winks. When is the last time you went to the supermarket, saw a cute guy and winked at him? Winks went out of style when "Happy Days" went off the air. You don't like it when men send you a wink. You think it makes him seem lazy and like he didn't read your profile. We think the same thing! So stop winking and start typing.

I never winked! And I really did hate getting those things. I pretty much ignored them. If someone can't even take the time to write a simple note, I pretty much figured they were not winking at me, they were winking at my boobs.

12. If you write to a man and he doesn't write you back, don't write a nasty follow-up email and ask him why he didn't write you back. If a man doesn't respond to you, it's the same thing as when you don't write a man back. It means that he is not interested. Don't get angry, just find another person.

I did always try to at least hit the auto-reply button that said thanks, but no thanks even if I didn't include a note. Is that wrong? I think it is better than not responding at all.

13. We know you're looking at us, because we see that you've viewed our profile every day. Say "hello!" We're not going to bite. Lob that email in.
Take a chance and send an email to the guy to whom you're most attracted. You never know what might happen!

I looked at a lot of profiles. Just because you look doesn't mean you want to write. Or maybe you are trying to think of the right thing to write. Or maybe you just think the guy is hot in his picture but sounds like a real dolt. So you want to look, but not actually have to converse.

14. If a guy who you're interested in writes to you, stop playing games and write him back right away. Don't make him wait four days. He may find someone else in the time you wait to write him back. Keep the momentum going!

I was pretty good about writing back the same day if I was interested. I was also pretty good about hitting the auto-no thanks button if I wasn't. I mean, the point of it was to meet people, not to have a pen pal, right?

I have found when online dating that if you're honest about who you are, and you get back to people immediately, you'll get the date faster and avoid all the back and forth games that go on. Now go change that profile!

OK. Overall these are good tips and I think I already was doing these when I was on the dating site.
Anyone disagree with David? Or with me for that matter?

I'm only happy when it rains

OK. That is not true.
But it is raining here right now, and I am loving it.
We haven't had a good rain in ages.
I can hear it falling on the patio and drumming against the metal cover to the water heater.
I turned the music down and opened the window so I could listen to it.
It is a warm night and the rain is falling.
I skipped a date with the dude tonight to come home and do some chores.
Two nights in a row without a date. It's kind of nice.
Since he has been off work we have been together a lot. Which I do enjoy.
But when he asked me if I had plans tonight, my only thought was "I just want some time to myself tonight."
So I told him of the many chores I have at home, which was all true.
Then I came home and ate leftovers and puttered around the house.
I did accomplish one of my chores, but the rest of the evening has been blissfully wasted.
Or maybe not.
Is listening to the rain a waste of time?
You know, I don't think so.

A royal flush

I just got done editing a wire story about the new popularity of bidets and bidet toilet seats.

There were two uses of "down there," one "private bits," a quote from a man names Jonas Wiener, one use of "pooh-poohed" as a verb and this:

---Unsurprisingly, traditional bidets only found their way into the homes of the rich and famous, anxious to showcase their worldliness and ability to potty like rock stars.---

Yeah. I love working in features.

A sequence of words that just does not compute for me

I heard this on the radio earlier today:

"The Camelot legend lives on, with Lou Diamond Phillips as King Arthur."

All I can see is Ritchie Valens singing "I Wonder What the King is Doing Tonight."

That's right... I drink, I gamble and I (second-hand) smoke

I have to admit to being a little bleary this morning.
Not hung over, just not completely clear.
Last night on the way home from work, I stopped by my favorite dive bar.
I was going to pick up the information for this week's NFL games and have a pint.
I ended up having two pints and playing some pool.
This bar is a dump.
It is great. Everyone knows everyone even if you've never met them.
The only thing bad about this bar is that they still let people smoke in there.
I try to sit away from the big groups of smokers, but it's a small bar. There is going to be some wafting.
Oh and they don't serve hard liquor, just beer and wine basically.
Which is a bad thing if you want a gin and tonic, but maybe it is a good thing since those drunkards would probably get into fights if they were fueled by whiskey instead of beer.
I am in this pool there where you pick the NFL games, against the spread, every week.
The person with the most games each week gets a little cash, as does the second place finisher.
At the end of the season, the person with the most accumulated points gets some cash, second and third get a bit as well.
I did this last year and the year before, too.
Now last year I did OK. I came in 4th out of about 20 people and I was the highest ranking chick. But I won nothing.
The year before, I won the whole darn thing without ever actually winning a week.
Pretty good, huh?
All the guys were convinced I had to have help from a guy or that because I work at a paper I have some special secret insider knowledge.
Yeah. It's called the Associated Press. Buy a damn paper.
Anyway, we are a couple weeks into the thing and I won the first week by picking 12 of the 16 games correctly. For the first week, that is amazing. Heck, that isn't bad for any week really.
The second week, not so great. I had 5 correct. But the highest score that week was 9 and most people got 5 or 6.
Now really, I am not much of a gambler. I will play blackjack if I go to Vegas. But I only go to Vegas about once every 3 years.
But this football thing gets me all riled up.
I was planning my Sunday around the NFL. Breakfast at a place with a TV so I could watch Indy not cover the spread against Tennessee. Sure they won, but a 2-point win doesn't help me when the spread is 7.
Then home to see more scores. After the morning round of games, it was just too depressing to watch anymore.
But now I am all excited again for this Sunday. It is another chance to build up my overall points.
I don't even think it is the money that motivates me in these things (though that is a bonus).
I think it is the competition. It is proving to these guys that a girl can know football at least as well as they do.
My nature has always been very competitive. I thrive on it.
So when a guy asks me if I pick teams based on the color of their jerseys, it really pisses me off.
My normal response is to push my cleavage together, twirl my hair and say, with a vacant look on my face, "No, I just tell myself 'Miami is playing Chicago... Hmmm... Who would win in that fight? A Dolphin or a Bear?' "
They look at me like I am crazy and drop the subject.
Man, drunk guys are so easy to confuse.

Nothing to be bitter about today

It feels good to just be happy.
I had a great weekend, part of it spent with family, part of it spent with the dude and part of it being productive at home.
But I did think a little bit about the blog and about what I would post here.
I actually tried to think of things that annoyed me or pissed me off.
I really couldn't think of anything the past few days.
But now that I am back at work, I am sure my mood will change.
Not that I don't like my job, but it IS a job.
Anyway, here's to being happy. I hope everyone else is getting a little of that these days.

Spending a little time on the dark side

Someone pointed out that this blog was a little dark for me.
I guess I would have to agree to some extent.
As much as I project the happy, competent, together image that I have carefully cultivated over the years, I know I have a bit of a dark side and I think most other people probably do, too.
My dark side is really quite innocent compared with how some people live.
Mostly it is about me not fully sharing everything with the people closest to me.
It is not a matter of not trusting those people.
I just like to keep some stuff to myself.
I also feel like most people have their own problems, I don't need to add mine to the mix. So I usually deal on my own.
I was seeing a shrink for a while to talk about all sorts of personal stuff that was happening then and that had happened years earlier.
I didn't even tell him everything.
So I guess secrecy and retreating into my own head is my real dark side.
Anyone else care to talk about where they go when they want to get dark?

Feeling ass-kicked today

I am feeling just plain old beat and beat up today.
So I bought myself a couple of lotto tickets.
Heck, a girl can dream, right?
What would I do with $17 million?
1- quit my job. I know people say that as soon as you quit your job, you are changed. But there are many other people out there who could benefit more from my job if I was set financially.

2- find an organization that I love and volunteer. See. I just replaced my job right there. I think I still would want some purpose and direction in life, and there are a lot of things I could offer to the right group.

3- pay off my bills, my mom's bills, my sister's bills. It's just the right thing to do. Especially for my mom. And I would get her a new place. Her place now is OK, but I would want her to be totally comfortable. I think she would really enjoy a sweet little condo near the beach.

4- travel. Oh hell yeah. Where? Back to Italy, the Caribbean, Amsterdam and Prague. Back to England, Spain and Germany. I would hit my favorite U.S. places: New York, San Francisco, Boston, New Orleans... Pretty much anywhere I want to go.

5- new house, same area. Heck. Maybe I would just have a new house built just for me on the same lot where my house is now. I really like my neighborhood.

6- have a kid or adopt a kid. Yeah, I want a kid. Not having to worry about money would make that a hell of a lot easier.

7- get a good, trusted financial adviser. Because $17 million is a lot of money for a girl like me and I would want to be wise about it and make it last.

Anyone else dreaming big today?

In the beginning...

There was a girl who questioned her choices, her motives, her abilities and herself all the time.
She was looking for an outlet.
She was looking for some insight.
She was looking for answers.
Instead she found a blog.
What it will become, she cannot yet say.
But she hopes that it provokes discussion and laughter and thought.